High School: the sequel

It’s four weeks into school and I’m finally feeling like a sophomore. Actually, that’s not true. I do, and always will, feel like a freshman but at least I’ve semi-gotten used to the notch that has been raised by school this year.

For most of my life, I’ll be honest, I skated through school. I never studied that much for tests, I did my homework but I rarely spent much time working on it. I had it easy and boy, how has that changed.

In my last blog post I emphasized how much stress I’m under right now with school, and planning for the future and all the clubs I’m in. That’s still true but I have to say that I’m enjoying the challenge this year is bringing me. At least, some days I do.

Staying up till all hours of the night doing homework isn’t so fun but being in classes that actually provoke my learning and thinking process is definitely nice. The classes I’m taking this year are a wide range of topics. From Honors English to Principles of Biomedical Science I’m learning in all different fields.

Take biomed: in this class we learn pretty much everything throughs labs and experiments. This is a hands-on way to learning that I’ve never really experienced before but definitely appeals to the kinesthetic learner in me.

From there I go to Chronicle. This class is basically my rock in the school day. It’s definitely no less challenging than any of my other classes, and is probably the most difficult. However, being surrounded by people who are as passionate about writing as I and people who are so driven to do their best… it’s really just the best experience I could have in high school.

This year is definitely something new, it’s different than any year before. It seems better and as I start to get a better grip on the challenges this year is posing I can only hope that I don’t end up having a mental breakdown.

the future wasn’t made for dreamers

At this point in my life my future is at it’s most tentative point. At least, that’s how it seems. At this point I need to be figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Yet it’s becoming more and more apparent that I’m. Completely. Lost.

It’s been six months since we turned schedules in. It’s been four weeks since school started, four weeks too late to make any changes to my schedule. Not that there’s any room to make. It’s far too late to make a change and yet I can’t stop worrying, stressing, wondering if I made the right choices. If choosing to take regular history instead of APUSH was a decision that will put me behind and haunt me. If choosing to take biomed and neglecting any technology classes was a mistake that will affect my future. In having to choose between what I love and what will help me in my future I am constantly left feeling like I made the wrong choice.

When we choose our classes they tell us this: “choose your classes wisely. Colleges will be looking” or “choose classes that will help you define your future”.

The problem, the issue that is causing me so much anxiety, is I don’t know what I want my future to be. I have no idea what job I want, what colleges I need to be impressing. I’m lost and I don’t know when to stop and figure out my path. High school keeps going on and choices keep being thrust upon me.

I’m making decisions about my future now, knowing or not, and I can only imagine how it will affect me. I’m taking biomed because I like science and that seems a good field to go into but wait… there’s no technology classes in my schedule despite the fact that I’m passionate enough that I’ve tried to teach myself computer programming at home. Instead I shelve those classes for a later day when maybe, possibly there could be a slot open in my schedule.

And what ever happened to my dream of being an author? A dream that, despite my involvement in the Chronicle, seems to be floating farther and farther away. A childhood dream, replaced by the harsh practicality of (young) adulthood.

When I voice my concerns, I’m told that I’m too young to be worrying so much about my future. That I need to relax and enjoy high school.

I’m confused. Do I need to relax or do I need to be making decisions to determine my future? Because those two are antonyms to me and trying to juggle both is making them equally impossible. I want a break. I need one. I need a pause — I need to catch my breath and actually figure out what I’m doing.

But as I grow older, as each year slowly increases in intensity, that request — that desperate wish — is becoming just another childhood dream.